The story was, when I was on the bus back home, there was a burning cloud. I guess you saw that. I had never seen that kind of cloud before, so I prayed on the bus that God could help me to be safe and help everyone who goes to the church safe. When I walked on the Emerald, I found every apartment was dark except some with candles in them. I thought was this a tradition of Easter to remember Jesus’ death? Then when I got home, no one was in and I realized I forgot the keys in my room. That was around 7:40. Nowhere to go, so I sat in front of my door and read Bible on my itouch and listened to the hymns. That was Acts. It was raining and cold and lonely and totally darkness. I was thinking I had made a wrong decision. I should go to the church and DON’T BE BABY LIKE. And I was wondering what was going on in the church. I missed you guys. I was so cold that I couldn’t hold my itouch in hand. So I turned reading into praying. I suddenly understood everything happened in the past week. If the week was to experience Jesus’ spiritual struggle, then that night was to physically experience. The tremendous trial, the gracious delivery and all the fear and shame I had was to help me experience the toughness of Jesus on the cross. Hunger, thirst, loneliness, darkness, loneliness with all the sins from human being on His shoulder, He even felt the heavenly Father forsake Him. But with faith, He gave his life to Father, despised the shame of cross because He saw the glory ahead. God said, if you want to follow me, crucify yourself to the world. I didn’t really think I could crucify myself because there were so many fascinating things around me. Career, money, family and so on. Then He helped me to make it. What’s more, I had spiritual pride for a long time. I felt I was from a good church and strong in faith. I could encourage others to get closer to God and I was planning to do that. Then through this big trial, I know my faith is from God, not my experience of overcoming the persecution, not the experience of how I endured my brothers and sisters before, not my knowledge of God, not even the brothers and sisters in the church. Directly from God. He showed me if He deprived the authority to pray and praise, I am a devil, even worse than those who never had a chance to know God. I had no faith in Him, and I even challenged His kingdom. All of these were enough to put me into hell. But He didn’t. He loved me in the way of your prayer, and Scott’s and Pastor’s dinner, and all of the encouragement received this week. He even cried for me. After this refining, HE IS MY LORD FOREVER. It’s not a proclamation. My faith still needs to be tested and strengthened. So I really appreciate you tell me where my faith is not perfect. And also I realize how much do I need the prayer support from the church to continue working for God because Satan is always seeking his friends. God tell me to HUMBLE DOWN AND WATCH!
After Paul had tasted the darkness, his eyes only focused on God. He was filled with Holy Spirit and feared no one on earth. I hope I will focus only on God and humble myself to serve people, to spread the Gospel and to help people to know God. A change has happened. I was afraid of saying grace in public because that was just weird to me. But now, I feel free to do that. I need God. I cannot live without Him for even a second. I am far away from being strong enough, but I know God will mode me. I said I am a new born Christian because I need to learn how to face shame from the world and how to seek God only, which is too much beyond my ability.
Turning back to that night, after the prayer I got a room to stay in, still in darkness. I prayed that He could show me where I can serve Him. I don’t know the exact answer, and I don’t want to pray for a sign. Signs are tricky. But if it is to be a missionary in Africa, I will go. I am not brave enough, but in Him everything is enough for me. He carried me through the inferno, He would do it again and again and again if I pray for that. When I was eager to pray but couldn’t, I learned that prayer is a privilege. Prayer is love. Prayer ceased when love for God vanished. Prayer is our armor and spear.
For us, I know you have your personal preference and your decision. That’s totally okay. I respect you and your decision. I was hurt not because you did something wrong or showed your interests. No, not them, but my expectation is wrong. I made a big mistake; I thought I prayed enough, and could get you without God’s permission. So I earned what I paid for. Also I am not going to be your spiritual partner because you are a girl and I am boy, huge difference and unsafe. So don’t worry about it. But I still hope you can keep praying for me and I will keep praying for you as brother and sister. We need to be physically distant, but Godly close.
Such a long letter, hope you have read it without skipping some paragraphs:) Best wishes for you.